


When Your Heart Stops Beating

by idioticfangirl



Series: The Avengers Team-Building Shenanigans [16]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Crack, I know the title is angsty but it isn't I just really like the song, M/M, Pietro Maximoff Lives, Team Bonding, Team Dynamics, Team Feels, Team Fluff, Teambuilding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-05
Updated: 2015-08-05
Packaged: 2018-04-13 03:28:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4505991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idioticfangirl/pseuds/idioticfangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Having had enough of the team blatantly ignoring all personal safety, Fury decides to send them to a class to teach them better.<br/>(Not angsty I just really like the song by +44)</p>
            </blockquote>





	When Your Heart Stops Beating

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lab_girl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lab_girl/gifts).



> Christ it's been so long omg I'm so sorry

Groaning, Tony allowed his armor to be taken from him, the full weight of his limbs almost causing him to collapse as what had been holding him up was removed. When he looked to the side, Natasha and Clint were hobbling towards him, leaning on each other. On the other side of him, Thor was waving off panicked nurses as he carried Bruce in. Tony was unsure whether he was injured or just exhausted from hulking out. The truth was, all of the team had taken a hit.

It had started off easily enough, but somehow had spiraled out of control until their exit had practically been a retreat. And, as he lay on the sofa and tried not to touch his aching, probably cracked, ribs, Tony saw that it was obvious. Besides himself, Clint, Natasha and Bruce, Sam had a hastily wrapped bandage around his head, Wanda's arm was at an odd angle and Pietro was breathing hard enough that Peter, crouched next to him, automatically checked for the signs of a panic attack. Even the god and the super soldier weren't left uninjured, with blood spurting from various wounds on their bodies.

Tony switched on Teen Wolf and, in various states of pain and exhaustion, they allowed it to flicker in the background as they slowly let their eyes slip shut.

"What do you mean none of them -" everyone jerked awake, jolting upright and wincing as the booming voice of Director Fury reached them. He was staring at them in the same amount of shock as they were staring back, talking to someone on his comm unit, stopping when he entered the room and saw them all.

"None of you," and it was obvious that he was struggling to keep his voice low for the sake of everyone's fragile heads, "went to medical. None of you. I see broken ribs, limbs, skulls and you're," he looked at the TV, "watching Teen Wolf?"

"Derek is about to save Stiles," Peter protested weakly, and everyone nodded, "it's important."

"So are your limbs!"

"But Sterek -"

"I expected better from you, Captain!" Fury rounded on Steve, who was already blushing with guilt, "You are endangering your team!"

"I think it was actually the situation that endangered us, sir, and as I remember you were the one who sent us in there without proper knowledge of the situation. We had no time for strategy and no awareness of the situation with which to strategise. I expected better from SHIELD."

Fury had no reply to that. "You will all," he vowed, "take your safety seriously from now on." With a dramatic swirl of his cape, he left.

Tony whistled, "Wow, Steve, I didn't know you had it in you!"

"Just put the show back on," Steve sighed, "I think Allison might be getting back with Scott."

 

Fury kept up on his promise. A few days later, when fully recovered, the team was hustled into a room that they were at least 20% sure was usually used for classes for the young agents, and sat down in chairs that reminded Steve of his time in school nearly 70 years ago.

"My name," the woman at the front, who had probably been a teacher when Steve was at school judging by her wrinkles, said in a snotty voice, "is Mrs Ross. You are here today for our talk on safety precautions, risks and actions. You will listen, take notes, and not cause trouble. Do you understand?" Without waiting for a response from her admittedly uncaring students, she zeroed in on Bucky.

"You, sir, Mr -?"

"Barnes."

"Mr Barnes, what is the least safe thing you've done? I will ask all of you in turn and then show you how you could have rectified it."

Bucky pretended to think. "Probably falling off a train above an icy ravine in a mountain range, I guess." Steve felt as though he was having a heart attack just thinking about it.

Mrs Ross gaped at him for a while as he smiled guilelessly, before shaking her head slightly as though fully taking in the class that she was teaching.

"That's enough of that," she announced, clasping her hands together before launching into an obviously overly-rehearsed spiel about the dangers of drugs, smoking and alcohol.

"I didn't know that Midgardians are this fragile!" Thor exclaimed, "Man of Iron, why do you not listen? Do you not know of the dangers of this heroin she speaks of? I was brought to assume that a heroine was someone like sister Natasha, not a deadly weapon that kills in minutes!"

"What did you think Natasha was?" Clint muttered.

"We're not all that fragile," Peter sighed, "trust me, I'm a student. I live on noodles. And I'm fine!"

"You were bitten by a radioactive spider. One, you don't count, and, two, you stick to walls. How is that fine?" 

"I'm working on it, Clint!"

Steve looked up briefly from his notes to roll his eyes at the bickering pair, before returning to dutifully jotting down every word the woman said.

"See, the Captain cares about his safety! And so should you, Tony!" They all glanced at where Tony had been asleep ever since the class had started, lulled to sleep by the woman's dulcet tones.

"Actually, no, Thor. I'm making a list of how many of the things she's warning us about Tony does. So far, all of them."

"Excuse me, class! Pay attention." The loud yells reduced to muttered comments from Clint which always left those able to hear them silently laughing, and otherwise the quiet was only interrupted by Steve's pencil flying across the page.

 

"Does all that really happen? Getting hit by a car can do that to you?" Vision exclaimed, growing more and more paranoid by the minute, "How do humans not cower in fear of their own creations?" Bruce looked up for the first time in the entire lesson, sighing dramatically at the diagram of the human anatomy before reassuring Vision,

"That's not where the pancreas is."

 

"So, class, how do you stop a mugging? No, no, don't pretend that you could fight your way out. You, girl," Mrs Ross pointed at Natasha, "you are far too weak to get away from an attacker. Show me what you think you should do."

The whole team held their breath as Natasha very calmly took her place at the front. The second Mrs Ross' arms went to hold her at knifepoint, she flipped, neatly kicking out her legs to catch the would-be mugger in the stomach before kneeing her in the small of her back, disarming her and holding the knife to her throat. With a sharklike grin, she threw the knife in the air, caught it and went back to her seat, leaving Mrs Ross lying, panting, on the floor for about ten minutes before she was able to continue.

"So, class, any questions?"

Sam put his hand up. "What should you do if, say, your wing crushes your arm but you're still needed in the fight, knowing that you could fly a little way but not land and not get back in the air again? Hypothetically speaking, of course."

"Wings!" the teacher shrieked, "Wings?"

"Please, please, stop her," Pietro begged Wanda under his breath, "I've already drawn on the board, stolen her shoe and put the demonstration dolls in as many positions I can think of. Please?"

The next moment, the teacher magically decided that it was time to move on to a different topic.

"Does anybody know how to tie bandages?"

 

After being talked through the correct way to tie an arm sling, the team was put in randomly selected groups of three and told to try out their new skills on one of the team.

"So," Tony asked Clint and Pietro, "who's going to be the victim?" The look that was shared over his head was so fast that he almost didn't see it, but before he could react the bandage had been shoved into his mouth, and Pietro was winding him up so fast that it was impossible to escape. Vaguely muffled sounds of laughter could be heard from through his prison of cotton, and the click of a phone taking a picture reached his ears. Although he couldn't hear what was being said, the mischievous tone of someone's - Clint's? - voice left him nervous and unprepared for whatever may happen next.

Encased as he was in bandages, it was impossible to fight back when Clint began to tickle him.

 

Steve looked over at where Clint was filming Pietro tying Tony up, rolling his eyes as his attention returned to averting any crises from his team. Thor had offered, very enthusiastically, to be bandaged, but Steve seriously doubted his ability to fit the bandage around his arm enough times, and instead suggested that he would need Thor's expert help and that they should do it on Vision, who agreed with the voice of someone that really doesn't care either way. Truthfully, having spent so much time in the army, Steve was an expert in bandaging and needed no help at all, but Thor was so happy to help that no-one dared tell him that.

 

"I don't know how to get it to stick," Natasha muttered, glaring at the abomination that she had haphazardly placed on Bruce's arm (I only know how to do field bandages, stick some material around it and soldier on) as though force of will alone would fix it.

"You need to stick it?" Peter perked up, having been unnecessary throughout Natasha's ministrations, "I can do that!"

"No, Peter -" Bruce began, but it was too late. He glared at the webbing now encasing his arm, shaking it experimentally to try to loosen it, to no avail. Waving off Peter's attempts to help, he cleared the area with a few warning growls, and focused on the anger he felt at having this monstrosity stuck to him.

Three broken chairs and a number of aborted punches at Peter later, his arm was free.

 

"Steve, help me!" Bucky pleaded, looking to his old friend for help.

"What's wrong?" Steve asked, giving the situation a quick once-over, "Wanda's doing a fine job on Sam!" As he said that, Wanda smirked, her hands slipping from where they were fastening the bandage on Sam's shoulder to stroke up his chest to his face, while Sam blushed and tried to stay still like a good mannequin. 

"I'm too young to see this!" Bucky moaned, covering his eyes.

Steve was both amused and embarrassed, but was saved from having to say something by Clint.

"Shut up, Barnes, you're like 90."

 

"Well," Mrs Ross made a face at the carnage that had once been her pristine classroom, "since the last interactive demonstration went so well, we can do another. For this one, please couple with someone you don't mind touching, because you will be with them for the remainder of the lesson, starting with the Heimlich maneuver."

 

"Tony, I can't," Steve protested, while Tony rolled his eyes from his position in front of him, "I'll break you!"

"Nonsense, Cap, it's easy. You just do this!" Tony swapped their positions and put his hands around Steve's chest, jerking them up a few times.

"You're meant to be saving his life, not humping him," Clint called over from where he was (very gently) performing it on Natasha.

"At least I'd be able to save him!" Tony retorted, "You're barely stroking her!"

"Yeah, but I value my life," Clint's reply was cut off as Natasha began to do it to him, seemingly doing it as hard as possible without actively breaking any of his bones.

 

There was a sound of stifled coughing coming from Pietro and Peter's corner, where Pietro had somehow managed to perform the maneuver so hard that he actually caused the choking he would have been aiming to stop.

 

"Sam," Wanda muttered with an air of tried patience, "you want to find my diaphragm. As in, my lower abdomen. As in, not my boobs."

"Sorry, sorry, I just keep accidentally finding them." Sam was apparently a terrible actor. In his defence, when Wanda had been doing it to him he had been screaming, "That's not my chest! That's nowhere near my chest! Wanda that is far lower than my chest!"

Pietro glared at Sam, still with his hands on Wanda's boobs, and uttered a warning growl. Both Sam and Wanda turned to him in surprise, sharing a look before cracking up laughing.

"What happened to you?" Wanda snorted.

"I, er, had some web left on my hands," Peter muttered from where he was stuck behind Pietro, his hands firmly planted on his chest, "and now I can't, um, I can't let go."

 

"Where the fuck is your ribcage, Vision?" Bucky asked, refraining from running his hands over his friends chest in an attempt to find it. It was slightly disappointing, considering how perfectly Vision had executed it, that he couldn't even find the right place to put his fists.

 

That particular demonstration ended when Bruce, who couldn't do anything due to his not being able to get his arms around Thor, reluctantly let Thor perform it on him. The enthusiastic way that the Norse God played out his role was sure to leave many bruises, Bruce knew.

 

"Try recovery position," Mrs Ross groaned, ensuring that there was a space in the front of the class so that they could do it one by one, allowing her to keep an eye on everyone.

That got off to a particularly bad start when Pietro and Peter were called up, still stuck together. Unable to push the other into the position since they couldn't separate, the two had to do it together, leaving them basically spooning in front of the entire team. Almost more embarrassing was the fact that Peter couldn't use his hands, so Pietro had to push them both up with Peter half on his back and half just clinging to him, promising that the web would be less strong soon and they could be two people instead of one again.

 

"Paint me like one of your French girls," Tony winked at Steve, who didn't stop blushing even as he was manhandled rather more than was necessary when being placed in the correct position, although he drew the line at Tony fondling his butt.

 

How Vision and Bucky had been left as a group was beyond both of them, and they weren't happy about it. Bucky went stiff as soon as Vision began to touch him, hardly daring to breath until the ordeal was over, and Vision spent the whole time complaining about how uncomfortable it was.

 

Although Thor did well enough, and was surprisingly gentle, Bruce had a problem. He could hardly push Thor onto his side, each attempt only ending with him flopping onto his back again, and when he eventually managed it he somehow wrapped Thor in his cape, leaving him as a demigod burrito before giving up.

 

Natasha's performance on Clint left him spreadeagled painfully on the floor, and he was prevented from doing the same to her by her somehow managing to put him in a wristlock without moving from the recovery position. Only Sam took the exercise seriously, thinking about how he may have to do this in the field if Wand overexerted herself with her powers. Despite being warned of this by Sam, even Wanda acted as though it was a joke, tackling him to the ground and leaving him there, groaning.

 

"Finally," Mrs Ross muttered, eyes darting around the room for an escape route, "you must all perform CPR on your partner." By now she had a firm grasp of what was going to happen as soon as she let the couples go with instructions that boiled down to 'snog them to save their life'. "Your first, Mr Barnes."

Vision and Bucky shared a look of mutual horror before Bucky reluctantly lowered himself to the floor, allowing Vision to punch his chest before quickly jerking his head away from the 'kiss'. He was unable to replicate Vision's awkward but good performance since he didn't dare use his metal arm, and pleaded that technically, Vision didn't need to breath so there was no need for mouth to mouth.

"Very well then. Mr Banner?"

"I have one question before we begin," boomed Thor, as Bruce winced at the thought of being punched in the chest by a god, "would it not be better if I used my hammer?"

"Maybe Bruce should just do it on you, Thor?" suggested Steve, taking over for Mrs Ross since she had gone paper white at the sight of Thor's hammer. Thor graciously agreed. Bruce was quite happy to pump Thor's chest but couldn't do mouth to mouth on account of the fact that he was laughing too hard, so hard that Mrs Ross sent him out of the room to calm him down.

"Mr Parker?" she sighed hopelessly.

"Please, please don't get your hands stuck to my chest," Pietro muttered as he took his place on the floor. Nervously, Peter nodded, wiping his hands on his jeans three times before he deemed them clean enough to begin.

Their demonstration ended about three minutes later after everyone was sick of seeing them make out on the ground, so Wanda and Sam took over. They both managed to stay serious for almost thirty seconds before they too started laughing and kissing, causing Pietro to growl disgustedly.

"Uh, Tony?" Steve asked, "The, um, reactors in the way, so I'll just..." he turned his attention to kissing Tony, already blushing before Tony tried to turn it into a make-out session. By the time he pulled away he was beet red.

"Wow, Cap, what nice abs you have!" purred Tony as he spent more time molesting Steve than attempting to 'save' him, hoping that no-one saw how wrong he felt to be punching him, even if it was for a reason.

Clint and Natasha were last, which ended with bruises on Clint's chest where Nat punched him.

"She bit my tongue!" he yelled, hoping for some sympathy.

"Mouth to mouth does not require tongue, Clint, what was it doing in my mouth?"

He had no answer.

 

The avengers and all of the young SHIELD recruits were called to a meeting later that day. When Fury strode in, the young adults stopped staring at their superhero idols to stare instead at him, and his announcement was exciting enough to make them almost forget that they were even there.

"Mrs Ross has officially resigned." 

Even Coulson cheered at that.

**Author's Note:**

> Seeing as I'm planning on doing a lot more of these, if anybody wants to give me any suggestions for anything the Avengers could do, I'll do them. As you've seen, I produce these really fast, and have no problem with ridiculous scenarios, so literally anything you want is fine by me, just comment or email me kitty122011@hotmail.co.uk


End file.
